If you have never been to a village fete, prepare yourself. Beneath the bunting and the gentle smiles lies a level of competitive intensity normally reserved for international sporting events. The cake stall is the main event. Three local women have been baking since Tuesday. They are watching each other. They are watching you. Pick wisely. Tombola is rigged. The vicar always wins the bottle of single malt. We do not know how. We have stopped asking. The coconut shy has not been won since 1987. The coconuts are glued on. We are joking. Probably. The dog show has more drama than Crufts. The 'Waggiest Tail' category alone has been the subject of two formal complaints and one parish council walkout. Eat a Victoria sponge. Buy a raffle ticket. Donate to the church roof. You will leave with a jar of someone's chutney and a profound sense of belonging.