Afternoon tea looks gentle. Frilly napkins, dainty china, polite conversation. Make no mistake. Beneath the doilies lies a battlefield of regional pride and family feuds. First, the pronunciation. 'Scone' to rhyme with 'gone' or 'cone'? The country is split roughly down the middle and nobody is changing their mind. Pick a side and commit. Then the order of toppings. The Cornish say jam first, then cream. The Devonians say cream first, then jam. We are not getting involved. We will eat both and let you fight it out. Sandwiches are crustless, triangular, and feature classics: cucumber, egg mayonnaise, smoked salmon, ham and mustard. Anything else is a buffet, not a tea. The tea itself should be loose leaf, brewed in a pot, and served with milk in a separate jug. Bag in a mug is a crime against the entire affair. Best places to test these rules: The Wolseley in London, Bettys in Harrogate, The Pump Room in Bath. Wear stretchy clothing.